God will always give us moments of joy in the midst of sadness if we look for them and embrace them.
It is a definite choice that we make each day when we get up from our beds. That joy is not dependent on people speaking into our lives, what they can do for us., or their acceptance of us. Yes, it is an added bonus, the icing on the cake. However, that type of joy is fleeting and temporary. But the JOY that I have in Jesus is strong, enduring, and everlasting!
It’s the Joy that I choose when I decide to laugh instead of cry… When I decide to smile instead of yell… When I decide to stand instead of living in defeat… When I decided to grieve God’s way instead of the enemy’s way… Meaning, I will continue to give God praise through every obstacle, barrier, detour, and roadblock even when I don’t feel like it.
I said all this to say even though I am grieving another significant loss in my life, I will still find times to have JOY and experience happiness and laughter in my life. There is always a blessing in every storm. I love you all 😘♥️😘
Yesterday, September 22, 2021, was the first day of Fall, my favorite time of the year. Anyone who knows me knows that I started talking about missing my boots, sweaters, and fall weather in late August. (Yes, they do speak to me and call my name… lol) Just kidding! I love the cool air, the changing colors of the trees, yes, the time to wear my boots and sweaters. I allowed the enemy to use my grief and depression to control everything I loved for a few years.
From the middle of September to November, I used to call it my dark season. During this time, five years ago, my life took a turn for the worse when my late husband passed. I don’t need to tell you the pain and distress I felt deep in my soul. The enemy tried to take over my existence with thoughts of suicide and depression. He tried to take my family’s way, and he almost succeeded in taking away my favorite season and turned it into a gloomy and miserable reality.
But because I am the daughter of the King and He loves me beyond anything, I could even imagine.
He pull me out of that existence back into His presence of Joy, Love, and Peace. It was a tough uphill battle, but I prayed, and others prayed along with me along the way. I had to allow Jesus to minister to the Holy Spirit and guide me to get the help that I so desperately needed to combat this way of feeling and thinking. I could not and cannot fight this war alone; I had to be honest with myself and those around me. I had to make some tough decisions, and I still make them every single day. This new normal that I live is not easy, but when I get up and breathe and live on this side of the earth, I know that God still has a purpose for my life.
Jesus, my family, my village, and my therapist, helped me to win the battle for my insanity, peace, and mental health. The war is still raging every second, but now I am one step ahead of the enemy. Why? I have a village of people across the world who will lift my name and my family’s name in their prayers: my friends, like sisters, and sorority sisters who encourage and support me.
My daughters ShaRonda and Morgan keep me on my toes, and their love and encouragement mean the world to me. I want to be an example of a strong woman who is not afraid to take risks or reach out for help. I want them to be proud of me.
My longtime brother, Minster Kai Brown, told me, “Don’t Worry, Pray.”
In every sense of the word except by physical blood, my sisters Laura Coaxum always told me to “Stay Close.” And Sharron Williams said, “Lo, Trust God.”
My spiritual mentor Elaine Belardo has encouraged me when she is dealing with her struggles that God is at work in the detours and roadblocks of my life.
My heart, my Chapter 2, Sam Moore, through his love and encouragement he tells me that I can do anything I put my mind to do.
My therapist Dr. Phifer, when I first sat down in her office, told me that God loved me, and he had never left me. She has given me the tools to keep me mentally healthy and my head clear so I can clearly hear from God.
I stayed ahead of the enemy, not by my might or any power I could have, but it is the power of Jesus that is at work through me.
I am not perfect, nor is my life perfect, and I still make mistakes every day. However, I so serve and worship a perfect God who not only loves me unconditionally, but HE loves you just as much!
Whatever the devil has stolen from you, tap into the power of Jesus that resides in you and reclaim it back!
Reclaim your Peace, Joy, and the Love that the Father has for you!
And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
The Lord has told me it is time for me to adjust my focus. I know I talk a lot about my journey with grief and depression, but I want to adjust my focus. While those issues are still at the forefront of my mind, for me to continue telling you how I survived, how I have overcome, and how I am not just alive but living, there is more.
In previous blog posts, I have talked about purging my life.
My home, my mental health, and now it is time for my physical health.
Yes, I have accomplished some hard things, but there is so much more! In our journey of mental health wellness, we cannot forget about our physical health. I knew that I could not do anything about my physical health until I handle the things that were going on in my head. Now that I am doing well in that area, it is time to move forward.
I received some numbers from my doctor that I did not like. It has taken me two years and a global pandemic to face that diagnosis. I was told that my blood sugar levels were elevated. I knew that I need to take action to bring those numbers back down so that I don’t develop diabetes. Whenever I went to the doctor, my numbers have always been perfect, so I was in shock. In all honesty, I shouldn’t be shocked. I did not have the best diet, and I did not stick to an exercise program long enough to make a difference, not to mention that I was grieving a significant loss and COVID-19 25. (I equate this to the Freshman 15).
I can do hard things!
I do not want to end up with diabetes, so I decided to take charge of my physical health, make significant changes, and fight against it. I knew that I needed to change my diet, but I also needed some physical exercise. I decided to invest in myself and made a mini gym in my home, including the little bike that goes nowhere, a Peloton Bike. It is nothing fancy, but I can get up every morning and work out for at least 30-45 minutes and again in the evening.
No, when I first received my bike, it sat for a while unused. I kept thinking about what I have gotten myself into! I completed my first ride, and my behind was sore. I was breathing breaths I have never breathed before. I had to call on the name of JESUS to finish that ride! Then I stopped for a few more weeks thinking, what in the world are you doing!!! LOL. I eventually got back in the sandal and found some wonderful support groups through Facebook, and I have completed 65 bike rides and a few boot camps!
I can do hard things!
Now I have started to attack my diet. I needed to make some significant changes because any fitness and nutrition expert will tell you that you cannot out-exercise a bad diet. So, it did not matter how many miles I rode, how high my cadence, or the level of my resistances; I was never going to be successful without changing what goes into my mouth. So, this where I am now in this next phase of my journey. I will keep you posted about my progress.
Just know that GOD is GOOD, and he has equipped us to do the hard things!
Have faith in God and then have Faith in yourself.
My graduate studies are winding down as I work on my thesis project. I have had some time to reflect on my last 5 years. I look at the woman that I am now versus the woman that I was then, and I realized that I not only like her, but I also love her. But at one time, I did not like her, and I even hated her. I went through all the what-ifs…
If I had done this or that…
If I was better prepared…
If… If… IF!
People tell me I have changed. I don’t think that I have changed; I believe that THEIR attitudes and perceptions of me have changed. I know some people don’t like who I have become. Their problem, not mine….
Okay, to be honest, I guess I have changed. I mean, how could I have not changed? I lost and have gone through so much over the past 5 years. That type of grief, depression, and loss will change anyone know. However, I have gained and learn so much more. I have become stronger, a little wiser, and more independent. I have gained confidence in who I am as a woman, my purpose, and I have learned to put my trust more in God and not people. God will never disappoint me. NEVER!
I have learned that I can do some hard things, and if I can do them, so can YOU!!
No one and I do mean NO ONE gets to tell you what you can and can’t do with your life.
At the age of 50, after going through a devastating loss, I still managed to finish my Bachelor’s Degree less than a year later, and if I can do it, so can YOU!
At the age of 51, I was granted membership into the illustrious sisterhood of Delta Sigma Theta Sorority, Inc, a goal of mine for over 30 years. If I can do it, so can YOU!
I was not a very good student in high school, and I struggled to get a C. Now I am working on finishing my Master’s Degree while holding a 3.8 GPA, working a full-time job, serving in church, community, and sorority obligations.
IF I CAN… SO CAN YOU!
However, none of the accomplishments above or anything in my future would be possible with my Daddy GOD. He saw something in me that I could not see in myself!
When God told me that I still had a purpose, it was up to me to do the hard thing, step out on faith, and trust God to lead and guide me.
Psalm 37:4 says, “Delight yourself in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart.”
I also believe that God will give you the desires of your heart when your desires line up with the purpose He created you to accomplish.
If you are unsure of your purpose or your next move, pray to the Lord for guidance and then watch and listen for an answer.
Matthew 6:33 says, “But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.”
Strength through Christ will enable you to do the hard things. Trust me. He has already equipped you to do hard things.
I challenge you to step outside of your comfort zone and take charge of your hopes and dreams.
IF you are afraid… do it anyway!!
My sister and brother, you can do this! Let’s live a life full of regrets.
Accomplish your Goals
Yes, it will not be easy, but anything worth having is worth the work and fighting for.
YOU CAN ACCOMPLISH HARD THINGS!
Now, let’s not get it twisted; my life is far from perfect, and God is continually working on me and my imperfections. But my imperfections make me the woman I am today, and I love her and am very proud of her.
It has been a while since I have written in the blog. Trust me, I have been writing, finishing up my master’s program, and this last class was challenging!
I had an enjoyably week off and now on to my next class. (YEAH) Three more and then I am done!
In the past year we have had over 500,000 deaths from Covid-19, and a lot of people, especially spouses, have joined the club that I never wanted to join. They are widows or widowers. This road will not be an easy one for them to travel, nor for any one grieving a loss. They will need the support of family and friends as much as possible with our current state. When my late husband passed, I was blessed that I was able to physically say goodbye and receive the visits, hugs, love, and support from my family and friends. Support from your family and friends should never stop.
Family and friends, I implore you to check on those who are grieving. Even if they say, “I’m okay or look okay, please make the phone call or send the text message, most importantly, PRAY for them.
Trust me. They need you.
I also have a message to those who are grieving. I KNOW this is hard, unfair, and unbearable. I know that you are sad, angry, hurt, and confuse. Please do not hesitate to reach out to your family, friends, or a mental health specialist.
PLEASE DON’T BE ASHAMED! Your life could depend on it.
Just the notion of people making fun of downplaying someone who says they were suicidal makes me angry.
LISTEN TO ME:
I don’t care who they are or how much money a person has, depression does not have favorites, and it will descend upon ANYONE! It does not matter if you are famous or wealthy.
This horrible attitude towards mental health is why people don’t come forth, which is why suicide rates are so high! The insensitivity is appalling!
THIS MUST STOP!!
I almost took my own life pretending I was fine, that everything was fine. I was laughing when I wanted to cry—keeping silent when I wanted to scream. Just so those around me would not be uncomfortable. This way of thinking almost ended my life and would have destroyed my daughters.
When I tell you about the realness of GOD…
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed. Psalm 34:18
Yes, I sought therapy, and I still see my therapist, and I am not ashamed to admit it. I was angry at GOD for weeks and months, and I was not allowing Him to speak to me. He never left me because, when I was in my darkest pit, I said that tonight was it, I am done, GOD said NO! HE pulled me out and sent me to the right person to help me clear my head. I was lucky, NO, I was blessed that I had previously established a foundation that allowed God in my headspace, even if it was for a moment to make me stop.
If you don’t have that relationship with GOD and you would like to establish your relationship with God, contact me and allow me to introduce you to my Daddy.
Even if you are doing have the relationship that I have with God, I need you to know that help is still available, and you can seek the help you need. Allow those who care to help you.
Please don’t think that if you end your life, everything would be alright. You have family and friends that you are leaving behind who will be devastated by your actions.
You have a life that must be lived.
You have a life that will bless people that only YOU can bless.
You have a life that is of value.
YOU are needed and wanted!
Talk to your pastor
Talk to a friend
IF you are anyone you know are having thoughts of suicide, please call the suicide hotline. Listed below is the number for the Veterans Crisis Line.
Remember you are not on this journey alone. Someone will always walk with you.
I know that many of us are trying to hold on to what sanity and joy they have left. I have talked to many people that they are trying to find joy in this season. We are restricted due to an out-of-control pandemic, we have had months of civil unrest, political difference continues, and now we are left to “celebrate” the holidays. Due to the pandemic, many of us will skip traditional Thanksgiving and Christmas traditions for a smaller scale and fewer people celebrations. This morning I found myself feeling down, and you know, the conniving devil he was trying to pull me down that familiar dark road that leads to that pit. As I sit typing this with tears in my eyes, I want to tell you this: I AM NOT HAVING IT!!!
Shake it OFF!
Don’t fall for it!
DON’T LOSE HOPE!
THERE IS STILL JOY!
You may need to reach deep inside and borrow from your reserve joy. We all have it! Trust me. I have borrowed from my reserve joy many times over the years. Reserve joy is the joy that Jesus has rooted deep in your soul.
It’s the moments that you smile in the midst of tears, or you laugh stead of screaming.
For me, it is knowing that no matter how I hurt, feel, or think at that time, GOD is always with me, surrounding me, and if no one else loved me, I knew that GOD loved me!
It’s knowing that I am never alone because HE is with me.
It is knowing that whatever I am going through in my life, there is Joy!
There is always a blessing in the storm.
No matter how bleak it may seem
No matter how hard it gets
No matter who says what… HE IS THERE, the GREAT I AM!
Do what will make you happy!
IF it brings you joy, put up your Christmas decorations early… but put them up!
Cook your favorite foods on the holidays and have a Zoom or FaceTime dinner and games with family and friends. I know that we are Zoomed out, but it is only for a SEASON.
This too shall pass.
I want you to dig into your reserve joy; it’s there! Dig deep! I want you to bring back the sparkle in your eyes and your soul. I want you to encourage your family members and friends to do the same.
We will get through this, and we will survive and thrive! Call or contact me. I have some reserve Joy that I am willing to share!
I don’t have it all together. Trust me, I have my days and moments, but I refuse to give in to anything the enemy is trying to execute! Even my own thoughts!
I lived in a dark hole. In a pit with my 3 D’s, desperation, depression, and despair.
A voice stifled…
I often think of all the little girls and boys who had their voices stifled at a young age.
Our innocents are stolen and taken away.
Our souls are broken and shattered.
Our spirits are tainted and corrupted.
Our lives are marked for destruction.
Our relationships are compromised before they start.
Our happiness is fake.
Our joy is nonexistent.
We had to learn how to survive.
We had to learn how to live.
Our lives were literally put on hold.
But there is hope… and that hope is JESUS.
Viola Davis said, “The two most important days in your life is the day you were born and the day you discovered why you were born” To those of us that have been abused, bullied, talked about, and or mistreated, finding a reason to live or to go on is difficult.
When construction on a house starts most times, a hole is dug to pour the concrete for the foundation. This step is crucial because if you have a week foundation, your house or building could fall or crumble.
“He is like a man building a house, who dug deep and laid the foundation of the rock. And when a flood arose, the stream broke against that house and could not shake it, because it had been well built” (Luke6:48).
When I was young, my Uncle Homer and Auntie Perk took me to church and introduced me to GOD. I did not know that their actions would not only change my life; it would one day save the life of my family. Their efforts purchased the plot for my foundation.
I went to church, Sunday school, Bible study, choir rehearsal, Junior Usher Board practice, and I still did not completely understand what or who God was in my life. Baptized at the age of 12, I believe this is where my foundation was poured; God filled my dark pit. Now, change was not sudden and definitely did not happen overnight. As a matter of fact, it took years of mistakes and bad decisions. However, as I started to build my house no matter what happened, my foundation stood firm and withstood the test of time.
I have had many trials and hardships in my life that continued to test this foundation. Over the years, I have strengthened my relationship with the Lord, thus fortifying my foundation. Many of my houses have fallen and crumbled, but because of my firm foundation, I was able to build, rebuild, and rebuild. This last trial almost took my life and shook my foundation to the core. As I wanted to die and crawl under my foundation, as I thought my foundation would be blown away, as I thought my foundation would crumble, it stood firm.
“But anyone who hears my teaching and doesn’t obey is foolish, like a person who builds a house on sand. When the rains and floods come, and the winds beat against that house, it will collapse with a mighty crash” (Matthew 7:26-27)
It stood strong because it was fortified by the Blood of JESUS CHRIST.
I have screamed…
I have gotten angry…
I have cried…
I wanted to give up…
But my GOD remained steadfast and loyal to me, and for some reason, HE would not let me go!
As my oldest daughter and I quietly celebrated my late husband’s life without many tears and anguish, I realized that I have grown. I have accepted the will of GOD, and I have learned to live and move forward. Yes, my therapy played a tremendous role in my progression, but without the grace of GOD, I would still be in my pit of the 3D’s that the devil planned for me. Because of JESUS, I went from living in a pit of desperation, depression, and despair to standing on the firm foundation that the LORD has planned for me. I will continue to set my mind on the things above.
If then you were raised with Christ, seek those things which are above, where Christ is, sitting at the right hand of God. Set your mind on the things above, not things on earth” (Colossians 3:1-2)
I am far from perfect, and I know I will have many more trials ahead. However, I take hope in knowing that my strength lies solely with the LORD and his plans for me and my life.
My Wednesday night Facebook prayer group prayed about the healing and restoration power of Jesus.
There was a time in my life that I did not know where I was going. I did not know if I would make it through the next second, let alone the next day.
I did not know how my daughters or I would survive.
I did not know to sleep without crying myself to sleep.
I did not know what to do when people who loved me turned their backs on me.
I did not know what happened to my future, my promises, my hopes, my dreams.
I did not know how to get up out of the pit the devil created for me.
All I did know was fear, doubt, anger, disbelief, sadness, pain, and sorrow.
I may have forgotten where comes my help.
I may have for a moment forgotten who I belong to…
But I know a Healer! I know my Provider! I know my Deliver! I know my Waymaker! I know my Provider! I know my Ultimate Friend! I know my Miracle Maker I know my Comforter! I know my Promise Keeper I know WHO holds my future! I know the GREAT I AM! I know JESUS!!
Thank you, JESUS, because… I know that HE healed my broken spirit and my soul!
Thank you, JESUS, because… I know that HE healed my broken heart!
Thank you, JESUS, because… I know HE made a way when I could not see it!
Thank you, JESUS, because… I know that HE yanked me out of my pit!
Thank you, JESUS, because… I know that HE can do the same for you!
I know that you NEED to trust HIM! I know that you allow HIM to love on you!
I know that GOD has a purpose and a plan for your life!
I know that you need to let HIM into your life!
I know that HE will bless your life! I know that JESUS loves you with agape love!
I know that there is NOTHING that you can do to keep HIM from love you!
I need you to know that GOD is waiting to welcome you with open arms!
I need you to know that HE is ready to forgive you!
I know that if I did not have that foundation built on the blood of JESUS, I would have never survived the darkest moment of my life. All you need to do is call out to HIM and ask HIM into your life. Allow JESUS to heal and bless you. I promise you… you will NEVER be the same.
If you would like to join us on Wednesday nights, please let me know!
Expectations is a belief that someone will or should achieve something
I did not get a chance to snap a picture of my soon to be 2021 graduate, Morgan when she left to head back for her senior year. If you know Morgan, I should not expect that she will send me a picture! Lol
Her Senior year in Highschool was not what we expected, but we made the best of it.
I can’t help but think back to this picture when Michael, ShaRonda, and I dropped her off for her freshman year in August 2016. We were excited for her and hopeful for her future and our future as a family. We tried our best to make that day just as exciting and memorable as we could.
That year quickly changed into something that we could not fathom. We had such high expectations for this year…
But God does have a powerful way of taking you reluctantly through your trials, whether you want to go or not.
Is the life that I am living what I expected? Nope…
Did the expectations of our lives crush our goals, hopes, and dreams? Yep, for a moment…
Do I still live my life in excitedly in expectation? By the grace of GOD, yes, I do!
You see, I TOLD pits of HELL, NO, 4 years ago it couldn’t have my daughters or me!!
God took the hopeless despair and disbelief in my life and turned it into high expectation!
I was reminded to today when I woke up in funk…. Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. (James 1:2-3)
I was also reminded of a few of the many promise that GOD has for me when I was hopeless!
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11)
Surely there is a future, and your hope will not be cut off. (Proverbs 23:18)
For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him. (Psalm 62:5)
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. (Philippians 4:6)
Call to me and I will answer you and will tell you great and hidden things that you have not known. (Jeremiah 33:3)
Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us.(Ephesians 3:20)
And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:19)
I am very proud of Morgan’s perseverance through the years. God has blessed her, and she is a survivor!
As I look back on the last four years, what could have killed us, GOD thrived us!
What could have destroyed us, GOD, restored us!
What should have left us in despair, GOD left us expecting HIS GREAT! THANK YOU, JESUS,!!
I am here to tell you that GOD has a plan. It may not be the plan we laid out for ourselves, but just know all you need to do is to continue to trust in HIM. IF you don’t know The GOD I am talking about, I highly suggest that you get to know HIM today. We are living in uncertain times…but we DO NOT have an uncertain GOD!
God is always right on time!
My prayers are with all of us parents sending children back to school, virtually, or to a brick and mortar building. I pray for our children, their teachers, staff, school administrators and city, state, national officials for the tough decisions that have been made and those that have yet to be made. I pray that the love, grace, and mercy of GOD covers us all. I love you, LORD, in JESUS name, AMEN!
It has been a while since I have blogged, and I have resisted writing this blog post. God has been speaking to me about trust, and it has been the topic of our prayer line and others. I did not know what I wanted to say, but when God is tugging at your spirit, you must submit, or at least I submit.
You would think that with COVID-19 and the stay at home orders life would have slowed down for me. I am blessed to work from home, but I am also a part-time graduate student, and I still had duties to my church, community, and sorority. I have often wondered how I was maintaining before.
As I sit here and ponder about the states and cities opening back up and can’t help but wonder if it is too soon. I don’t go out much, and I must admit I do panic a little when I go to certain grocery stores. I try to stick to shopping at the commissary and the BX on the fort. They have handled this crisis with military order and professionalism.
Our nation is trying to go back to normal, but what is normal? I don’t think that we will ever be normal. So, what are our choices? We can choose to live in fear or have faith and trust God. Let’s talk about the latter.
2nd Timothy says God has not given us a spirit of fear but of love, peace, and a sound mind.
Fear does not come from the Lord.
I have tried to write this blog since last week, and I could not put the words together. But earlier this week, one of my prayer leaders spoke about praise and then another day trust. He said, “Praise is justified just because it is!” He also stated, “We must trust and have faith in God.”
For what I have experienced in my life, I have learned to have faith and trust God. I have also learned how to praise him while I am expecting.
While I was in the deep state of depression
While I was going through the early stages of grief
While I did not know how to pray for myself
When I did not want to live
When I did not know how I would make it to the next day
When I could not stop crying
One thing I finally realized was that God had NOT forgotten me!
He felt every pain
He grieved with me
He pleaded for me
He kept me alive
He made sure I made it to the next moment
He consoled and cared for me when I was crying
God did all of this for me, but I had to let go of my fear of living and have faith and trust that God would carry me through it all.
It did not matter what I faced; I had to press on, and I had to persevere. I had to survive and live, but first, I had to TRUST.
So, I ask you today, no matter what if going on in your life.
No matter what situation you are facing
No matter what the world or the doctors are saying.
Whose report will you believe?
So, ask you today…
Faith & Trust or Fear? The choice is always yours.