Season of Grief

How I Fought to Reclaim My Favorite Season

September 23, 2021

Yesterday, September 22, 2021, was the first day of Fall, my favorite time of the year.  Anyone who knows me knows that I started talking about missing my boots, sweaters, and fall weather in late August.  (Yes, they do speak to me and call my name… lol) Just kidding!  I love the cool air, the changing colors of the trees, yes, the time to wear my boots and sweaters.  I allowed the enemy to use my grief and depression to control everything I loved for a few years.  

From the middle of September to November, I used to call it my dark season.  During this time, five years ago, my life took a turn for the worse when my late husband passed.  I don’t need to tell you the pain and distress I felt deep in my soul.  The enemy tried to take over my existence with thoughts of suicide and depression.  He tried to take my family’s way, and he almost succeeded in taking away my favorite season and turned it into a gloomy and miserable reality. 

But because I am the daughter of the King and He loves me beyond anything, I could even imagine.

He pull me out of that existence back into His presence of Joy, Love, and Peace. It was a tough uphill battle, but I prayed, and others prayed along with me along the way.  I had to allow Jesus to minister to the Holy Spirit and guide me to get the help that I so desperately needed to combat this way of feeling and thinking.  I could not and cannot fight this war alone; I had to be honest with myself and those around me. I had to make some tough decisions, and I still make them every single day.  This new normal that I live is not easy, but when I get up and breathe and live on this side of the earth, I know that God still has a purpose for my life.

Jesus, my family, my village, and my therapist, helped me to win the battle for my insanity, peace, and mental health.  The war is still raging every second, but now I am one step ahead of the enemy.  Why?  I have a village of people across the world who will lift my name and my family’s name in their prayers: my friends, like sisters, and sorority sisters who encourage and support me. 

 My daughters ShaRonda and Morgan keep me on my toes, and their love and encouragement mean the world to me.  I want to be an example of a strong woman who is not afraid to take risks or reach out for help.  I want them to be proud of me.  

My longtime brother, Minster Kai Brown, told me, “Don’t Worry, Pray.”  

In every sense of the word except by physical blood, my sisters Laura Coaxum always told me to “Stay Close.” And Sharron Williams said, “Lo, Trust God.” 

My spiritual mentor Elaine Belardo has encouraged me when she is dealing with her struggles that God is at work in the detours and roadblocks of my life.  

My heart, my Chapter 2, Sam Moore, through his love and encouragement he tells me that I can do anything I put my mind to do.  

My therapist Dr. Phifer, when I first sat down in her office, told me that God loved me, and he had never left me.  She has given me the tools to keep me mentally healthy and my head clear so I can clearly hear from God. 

I stayed ahead of the enemy, not by my might or any power I could have, but it is the power of Jesus that is at work through me.  

I am not perfect, nor is my life perfect, and I still make mistakes every day.  However, I so serve and worship a perfect God who not only loves me unconditionally, but HE loves you just as much! 

Whatever the devil has stolen from you, tap into the power of Jesus that resides in you and reclaim it back!

Reclaim your Peace, Joy, and the Love that the Father has for you!

And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:7

If I can do it, so can you!!

I love you all with the love of Christ!

Purging My Life (The Physical Edition) We can do hard things Pt.2 (Adjust My Focus)

May 29, 2021

The Lord has told me it is time for me to adjust my focus.  I know I talk a lot about my journey with grief and depression, but I want to adjust my focus.  While those issues are still at the forefront of my mind, for me to continue telling you how I survived, how I have overcome, and how I am not just alive but living, there is more. 

In previous blog posts, I have talked about purging my life. 

Purging my Life “It’s Time for a New Thing” From Greif & Clutter to Joy & Tranquility

Purging my Life 4: Physically Purging the house and the Body Purge/ Heart Matters

My home, my mental health, and now it is time for my physical health. 

Yes, I have accomplished some hard things, but there is so much more!  In our journey of mental health wellness, we cannot forget about our physical health.  I knew that I could not do anything about my physical health until I handle the things that were going on in my head. Now that I am doing well in that area, it is time to move forward.

I received some numbers from my doctor that I did not like.  It has taken me two years and a global pandemic to face that diagnosis.  I was told that my blood sugar levels were elevated.  I knew that I need to take action to bring those numbers back down so that I don’t develop diabetes.  Whenever I went to the doctor, my numbers have always been perfect, so I was in shock.  In all honesty, I shouldn’t be shocked.  I did not have the best diet, and I did not stick to an exercise program long enough to make a difference, not to mention that I was grieving a significant loss and COVID-19 25.  (I equate this to the Freshman 15).

I can do hard things!

I do not want to end up with diabetes, so I decided to take charge of my physical health, make significant changes, and fight against it.  I knew that I needed to change my diet, but I also needed some physical exercise.  I decided to invest in myself and made a mini gym in my home, including the little bike that goes nowhere, a Peloton Bike.  It is nothing fancy, but I can get up every morning and work out for at least 30-45 minutes and again in the evening. 

No, when I first received my bike, it sat for a while unused.  I kept thinking about what I have gotten myself into!  I completed my first ride, and my behind was sore. I was breathing breaths I have never breathed before.  I had to call on the name of JESUS to finish that ride!  Then I stopped for a few more weeks thinking, what in the world are you doing!!!  LOL.  I eventually got back in the sandal and found some wonderful support groups through Facebook, and I have completed 65 bike rides and a few boot camps! 

I can do hard things!

Now I have started to attack my diet.  I needed to make some significant changes because any fitness and nutrition expert will tell you that you cannot out-exercise a bad diet.  So, it did not matter how many miles I rode, how high my cadence, or the level of my resistances; I was never going to be successful without changing what goes into my mouth.  So, this where I am now in this next phase of my journey.  I will keep you posted about my progress. 

Just know that GOD is GOOD, and he has equipped us to do the hard things!

Have faith in God and then have Faith in yourself.

I love you all with the love of Jesus Christ!

 

We All Can Do Hard Things

May 24, 2021

Hello, my lovelies!!

My graduate studies are winding down as I work on my thesis project. I have had some time to reflect on my last 5 years. I look at the woman that I am now versus the woman that I was then, and I realized that I not only like her, but I also love her. But at one time, I did not like her, and I even hated her. I went through all the what-ifs…

If I had done this or that…

If I was better prepared…

If… If… IF

People tell me I have changed. I don’t think that I have changed; I believe that THEIR attitudes and perceptions of me have changed. I know some people don’t like who I have become. Their problem, not mine….

Okay, to be honest, I guess I have changed. I mean, how could I have not changed? I lost and have gone through so much over the past 5 years. That type of grief, depression, and loss will change anyone know. However, I have gained and learn so much more. I have become stronger, a little wiser, and more independent. I have gained confidence in who I am as a woman, my purpose, and I have learned to put my trust more in God and not people. God will never disappoint me. NEVER!

I have learned that I can do some hard things, and if I can do them, so can YOU!!

No one and I do mean NO ONE gets to tell you what you can and can’t do with your life.

At the age of 50, after going through a devastating loss, I still managed to finish my Bachelor’s Degree less than a year later, and if I can do it, so can YOU!

At the age of 51, I was granted membership into the illustrious sisterhood of Delta Sigma Theta Sorority, Inc, a goal of mine for over 30 years. If I can do it, so can YOU!

I was not a very good student in high school, and I struggled to get a C. Now I am working on finishing my Master’s Degree while holding a 3.8 GPA, working a full-time job, serving in church, community, and sorority obligations.

IF I CAN… SO CAN YOU!

However, none of the accomplishments above or anything in my future would be possible with my Daddy GOD. He saw something in me that I could not see in myself!

When God told me that I still had a purpose, it was up to me to do the hard thing, step out on faith, and trust God to lead and guide me.

Psalm 37:4 says, “Delight yourself in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart.”

I also believe that God will give you the desires of your heart when your desires line up with the purpose He created you to accomplish.

If you are unsure of your purpose or your next move, pray to the Lord for guidance and then watch and listen for an answer.

Matthew 6:33 says, “But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.”

Strength through Christ will enable you to do the hard things. Trust me. He has already equipped you to do hard things.

I challenge you to step outside of your comfort zone and take charge of your hopes and dreams.

IF you are afraid… do it anyway!!

My sister and brother, you can do this! Let’s live a life full of regrets.

Live Again

Dream Again

Accomplish your Goals

Love Again

Yes, it will not be easy, but anything worth having is worth the work and fighting for.

YOU CAN ACCOMPLISH HARD THINGS!

Now, let’s not get it twisted; my life is far from perfect, and God is continually working on me and my imperfections. But my imperfections make me the woman I am today, and I love her and am very proud of her.

I love you all!