Season of Grief

How I Fought to Reclaim My Favorite Season

September 23, 2021

Yesterday, September 22, 2021, was the first day of Fall, my favorite time of the year.  Anyone who knows me knows that I started talking about missing my boots, sweaters, and fall weather in late August.  (Yes, they do speak to me and call my name… lol) Just kidding!  I love the cool air, the changing colors of the trees, yes, the time to wear my boots and sweaters.  I allowed the enemy to use my grief and depression to control everything I loved for a few years.  

From the middle of September to November, I used to call it my dark season.  During this time, five years ago, my life took a turn for the worse when my late husband passed.  I don’t need to tell you the pain and distress I felt deep in my soul.  The enemy tried to take over my existence with thoughts of suicide and depression.  He tried to take my family’s way, and he almost succeeded in taking away my favorite season and turned it into a gloomy and miserable reality. 

But because I am the daughter of the King and He loves me beyond anything, I could even imagine.

He pull me out of that existence back into His presence of Joy, Love, and Peace. It was a tough uphill battle, but I prayed, and others prayed along with me along the way.  I had to allow Jesus to minister to the Holy Spirit and guide me to get the help that I so desperately needed to combat this way of feeling and thinking.  I could not and cannot fight this war alone; I had to be honest with myself and those around me. I had to make some tough decisions, and I still make them every single day.  This new normal that I live is not easy, but when I get up and breathe and live on this side of the earth, I know that God still has a purpose for my life.

Jesus, my family, my village, and my therapist, helped me to win the battle for my insanity, peace, and mental health.  The war is still raging every second, but now I am one step ahead of the enemy.  Why?  I have a village of people across the world who will lift my name and my family’s name in their prayers: my friends, like sisters, and sorority sisters who encourage and support me. 

 My daughters ShaRonda and Morgan keep me on my toes, and their love and encouragement mean the world to me.  I want to be an example of a strong woman who is not afraid to take risks or reach out for help.  I want them to be proud of me.  

My longtime brother, Minster Kai Brown, told me, “Don’t Worry, Pray.”  

In every sense of the word except by physical blood, my sisters Laura Coaxum always told me to “Stay Close.” And Sharron Williams said, “Lo, Trust God.” 

My spiritual mentor Elaine Belardo has encouraged me when she is dealing with her struggles that God is at work in the detours and roadblocks of my life.  

My heart, my Chapter 2, Sam Moore, through his love and encouragement he tells me that I can do anything I put my mind to do.  

My therapist Dr. Phifer, when I first sat down in her office, told me that God loved me, and he had never left me.  She has given me the tools to keep me mentally healthy and my head clear so I can clearly hear from God. 

I stayed ahead of the enemy, not by my might or any power I could have, but it is the power of Jesus that is at work through me.  

I am not perfect, nor is my life perfect, and I still make mistakes every day.  However, I so serve and worship a perfect God who not only loves me unconditionally, but HE loves you just as much! 

Whatever the devil has stolen from you, tap into the power of Jesus that resides in you and reclaim it back!

Reclaim your Peace, Joy, and the Love that the Father has for you!

And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:7

If I can do it, so can you!!

I love you all with the love of Christ!

You Are Not Alone

Hey Dear Hearts!

It has been a while since I have written in the blog. Trust me, I have been writing, finishing up my master’s program, and this last class was challenging! 

I had an enjoyably week off and now on to my next class. (YEAH) Three more and then I am done!

In the past year we have had over 500,000 deaths from Covid-19, and a lot of people, especially spouses, have joined the club that I never wanted to join. They are widows or widowers. This road will not be an easy one for them to travel, nor for any one grieving a loss. They will need the support of family and friends as much as possible with our current state. When my late husband passed, I was blessed that I was able to physically say goodbye and receive the visits, hugs, love, and support from my family and friends. Support from your family and friends should never stop.

Family and friends, I implore you to check on those who are grieving.  Even if they say, “I’m okay or look okay, please make the phone call or send the text message, most importantly, PRAY for them.

Trust me. They need you.

I also have a message to those who are grieving.  I KNOW this is hard, unfair, and unbearable.  I know that you are sad, angry, hurt, and confuse.  Please do not hesitate to reach out to your family, friends, or a mental health specialist.

PLEASE DON’T BE ASHAMED!  Your life could depend on it. 

Just the notion of people making fun of downplaying someone who says they were suicidal makes me angry.

LISTEN TO ME:

I don’t care who they are or how much money a person has, depression does not have favorites, and it will descend upon ANYONE! It does not matter if you are famous or wealthy.

This horrible attitude towards mental health is why people don’t come forth, which is why suicide rates are so high!  The insensitivity is appalling!  

THIS MUST STOP!!

I almost took my own life pretending I was fine, that everything was fine. I was laughing when I wanted to cry—keeping silent when I wanted to scream.  Just so those around me would not be uncomfortable.  This way of thinking almost ended my life and would have destroyed my daughters. 

When I tell you about the realness of GOD…

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted;
    he rescues those whose spirits are crushed. Psalm 34:18

Yes, I sought therapy, and I still see my therapist, and I am not ashamed to admit it.  I was angry at GOD for weeks and months, and I was not allowing Him to speak to me.  He never left me because, when I was in my darkest pit, I said that tonight was it, I am done, GOD said NO!  HE pulled me out and sent me to the right person to help me clear my head.   I was lucky, NO, I was blessed that I had previously established a foundation that allowed God in my headspace, even if it was for a moment to make me stop. 

If you don’t have that relationship with GOD and you would like to establish your relationship with God, contact me and allow me to introduce you to my Daddy. 

Even if you are doing have the relationship that I have with God, I need you to know that help is still available, and you can seek the help you need.  Allow those who care to help you. 

Please don’t think that if you end your life, everything would be alright.  You have family and friends that you are leaving behind who will be devastated by your actions. 

You have a life that must be lived.

You have a life that will bless people that only YOU can bless.

You have a life that is of value.

YOU are needed and wanted!

Talk to your pastor

Talk to a friend

Most importantly: 

IF you are anyone you know are having thoughts of suicide, please call the suicide hotline. Listed below is the number for the Veterans Crisis Line.

Remember you are not on this journey alone. Someone will always walk with you.

Don’t GIVE UP!

God’s love and blessings to you all

Day 8 – 10 Day Walk Out of the Valley of Darkness Survival (continued existence)

Day 8

October 23, 2019

Survival (continued existence)

On Day 8, three years ago, as I sat and watched a beautiful, well-lived life diminish from this reality, I could not help but think about my own existence. When you are faced with someone else’s mortality, you can’t help but think about your own.

However, on day 8 today, we are faced with another life gone too soon by their own hands. Another mother, father, sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends left in the aftermath. I have always been very intentional and upfront about my own experiences with suicide and depression, and I have promised that I will tell my testimony when it is needed and requested.

I am so glad that on the night I was home alone and I was faced with the agonizing decision if I wanted to end my life that Lord inserted into my head visions of my babies, and not just my babies I gave birth to. Still, my babies, I have adopted into my life over the years.

What would life be for them if I took my own life?

Would my daughters survive my death after their father’s death?

How could I have preached and taught that the love of Christ is there for everyone who accepts it, and I did not?

How could I have said all these years, God can get you through anything if you only trust him, and I did not?

”The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life and have it to the full.” (John: 10:10)

That night I had the potential to burst every dream, turn hope into despair, betray love, and turn trust into doubt in the minds of young people God had allowed into my life. God trusted me with their minds, hearts, and souls, and I was about to betray them and the LORD. I cried and cried that night and then the next day when I went to Munson Army Health Center, for a doctor’s appointment. I checked the, “Yes, I have thoughts of suicide in the past months” That statement was not looked over, actions were taken that day, and I was sitting before a clinical social worker to get evaluated. Within the next few weeks, God led me to an excellent Christian therapist.

Disclaimer: (as I have said many times)

I do not doubt that God can and will get you through anything, even suicide. HOWEVER, for me, my heart and my mind is so clouded with sadness, anger, and hurt, I could not hear from God. I was in a deep depression.

But, he heard me, and he pulled me through darkness into His light. Once I was able to deal with my depression, I was able to handle the guilt, sadness, hurt, and anger. I was then able to hear from God clearly.

Depression is not a fad that will go away. Depression is real and very prevalent in our society, including young people and the African American community, whether they want to admit to it or not!

We can no longer sit idly by and say they are too young to have those feelings or thoughts or black people don’t go to therapy, or you are weak if you go to therapy!

IT HAS TO STOP!!

We are losing too many of our young people to suicides!!

If you are having feelings of sadness, hopelessness, or worthlessness

If you are feeling angry, of frustrated of small things

If you are having a loss of interest in your normal activates

If you lack energy or you are tired all the time

IF YOU ARE HAVING THOUGHTS OF DEATH AND SUICIDAL THOUGHTS

I BEG YOU… PLEASE SEEK HELP

See your family doctor, clinic of a mental health professional as soon as possible!

If you are reluctant, see any of the above. PLEASE talk to a friend, loved one, your pastor, or anyone you can trust!

Call the suicide hotline number:

‪1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255)‬

IF you are a VETERAN use that same number and press “1” to reach the Veterans Crisis Line

FRIENDS, FAMILY, and LOVED ONES:

If someone tells you they are contemplating suicide if they say they are hurting and the pain won’t go away, PLEASE take them seriously!

Stay with them until you can get them to a mental health professional, the ER, if you can’t, do not hesitate or call ‪911‬.

We need you!

The world needs you!

I chose to live, and so can YOU!

I love you all with all the love that Jesus has for you!

😘♥️😘

One of Those Days

First, I want to say that I always write and blog when I am happy, and things are going well.  As a blogger, I always want to be truthful, transparent, intentional, and upfront. Most days, I am upbeat and ready to conquer the world. There are also “One of Those Days.”  Well, I am having one of those “Other of Those Days.”

I am having one of those days where I want to crawl back into bed and have a good cry.

I am having one of those days where everything seems to go wrong. 

Woke up late.

Trash all over the yard from the animals.

Slow cars

Back up at the gate

&

I left my glasses at home.

I am having one of those days where right now, I don’t want to look on the bright side.

I am having one of those days where although it is sunny outside I feel like it is raining.

I am having one of those days where life does not seem fair.

I am having one of those days where I question my past, and every decision I have made.

I am having one of those days where I question my purpose and my existence.

I am having one of those days where nothing at all seems clear or make sense.

I am having one of those days where I don’t want to be strong.

I am having one of those days where I feel that I am not good enough.

I am having one of those days where my dark safe place starts to look good again.

I am having one of those days where I think, “What is the true meaning of life.”

I am having one of those days where old thoughts and fears want to creep back in my head.

I am having one of those days where even though I am having “One of Those Days,” I can’t reside here.

Even though I am having one of those days, I won’t allow the enemy to disrupt my progress. 

Even though I am having one of those days, I won’t give the enemy any victory over my day.

Even though I am having one of those days, I won’t fall back into the enemy trap of depression.

Even though I am having one of those days, I can see past the enemy distractions and illusions.

Even though I am having one of these days, I DO know where my help and strength comes from.

Even though I am having one of these days, I am here, surviving, thriving, and I am living.

Even though he may have gotten a moment, the battle is still won by Jesus. Therefore, I am still winning!

Blessings and Love to you all!

Purging my Life: Part 3 (continue..) Mentally Learning How to Breathe Again Purging the Toxins Out of My Mind and Finding Joy Again

July 5, 2019

My Therapy Experience

My experience with therapy has been nothing but awesome and positive.  God had led me to an amazing therapist, which I connected with, and I started my journey to healing and wellness. 

Remember those stages of grief I told you about earlier, I have hit them all and I sometimes bounce back and forth between them depending on the triggers or what is going on in my life at the time. In February of 2017, when I sat down with my therapist the first thing she said was, “Lolita, tell me what is going on with you.” I started to tell her all the things that had been going on in my life thus far. After about 30 minutes and many Kleenex later, I finally let her speak.  She said, “Lolita, I first want you to know that you have done nothing wrong and God is always with you.”  I knew that because she first acknowledged God before anything else I knew that I was in the right place and that God had led me to the right therapist.  

I started out seeing my therapist twice a month.  I had a lot of things I needed to work out and my emotions, my moods, and my thoughts were all over the place. My therapist was able to give me the tools I needed to combat and battle depression.   After attending a few sessions, I knew that there was no way would I be able to do this on my own.  Yes, I did pray and I prayed a lot.  My village was praying for me and getting therapy was the answer to our prayers.  However, I had to get off my butt and seek help instead of sinking deeper and deeper into depression.  God would not let me give up, so off to therapy I went. 

Session after session I felt myself becoming stronger and coping with my emotions. I was able to be a strong mother for my daughters and others who were grieving along with us. I remember after one of my sessions I thought to myself, “I am going to make it,” “The enemy will NOT win,” “I will survive this,” “Victory is mine because I have victory in JESUS.”  

It was because of my therapy that I am writing this blog.  It is because of therapy I am alive to write this blog! I wanted others to know that therapy is not a bad thing. Therapy is not the taboo or this evil that has been wrongly categorized in our community for years.  Therapy is very healthy and I believe that for me it is essential to my self-care.

I have been in therapy for over two years now.  By now, monthly sessions have been crucial to my overall well-being. My head is clearer, I can think straight, and my therapist is helping me to work on future goals, now that I know that I still have a future.  Yes, I believe the Lord always had a plan for me but I also know that I could not see past my own hurt, pain, misery, destruction and whatever negative word you can insert, to accept and embrace HIS plan.  

Therapy for me is a gateway to help me see past any negative thoughts or perceptions I have about my life or myself.  This has enabled me to see the bright and prosperous future that the Lord has intended for me. Remember you are stronger than you think you are. Do not be afraid to seek the help you need. Make that appointment with a therapist today.  You should be afraid if you do not seek help and end up staying in the same depressive state you may be currently experiencing, and THAT is NOT healthy!

It is not about “telling your business,” or “keeping things in the house”. It is about making sure you are mentally healthy.  It is about taking care of yourself. It is about self-motivation, self-care, and self-preservation.  It is about learning how to breathe again and discovering that joy again in your life. 

I know that if I can do it so can everyone else!

 

I love you all! 

Be at peace & Have a Beautifully Blessed Day!

Purging my Life: Part 3 (Continued)

Mentally

Learning How to Breathe Again

Purging the Toxins Out of My Mind & Finding Joy Again

 May 20, 2019

When you are finding it hard to take your next breath, you have to find a way to move forward and breathe again.  Finding the RIGHT therapist was the next move for me.

Finding the Right Therapist

Finding the right therapist is a process and it is not an easy process.  You should meet and talk with them to get a feel for their methods and to see if they are the right fit for you.  If you can find the right therapist the first time around then you are blessed!  I talked with a few therapist before I found the right person. They were all very nice people, but I prayed for God to show me the right one.  I was very meticulous, so I also had a few criteria’s that I was looking for in a therapist.

I needed someone objective who could listen.

I needed someone who would teach practical solutions and help me clear my head.

I needed someone to help me find my courage to fight and not to fear going forward with my life.

I needed someone to help me find my way back to my source of power.

I needed someone who would respect my belief system.

I needed someone to help me pick up the shattered and fracture pieces of what was left of my life.

 A faithful God believing, Bible believing Christian.

“Listen to advice and accept discipline, at the end you will be counted among the wise. Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.” (Proverbs 19:20-21)

My faith is very important to me, so I know I needed a therapist I could learn to trust, who was like-minded and has a similar belief system as I do.  I knew that God was the source and power of my strength, but the grief and pain in my mind was not allowing me to connect.  It is as if you know your cell phone is dying and you need to find a charger for your brand of phone. However, you cannot use any charger, you have to find the right charger for your phone, or it is not going to work. This is why I was having such a hard time dealing with my struggles in my life.  I was plugging in to grief, pain, misery, and to an enemy that not only did not care about me but also hated me with every ounce of his being!  Who is the source nothing but calamity, chaos, and confusion!

I needed to reconnect to the source of my strength.

I needed to reconnect to the Lord.

What I was not going to do was:

I was NOT going to entertain anyone that went against the word of God.

I was NOT going to entertain anyone that went against my belief in Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior.

I was NOT going to entertain anyone that challenged my faith as a believer.

I was not going to compromise or settle because I knew that my soul would not be satisfied until I had gotten my connection to God back.

Specializes in grief therapy and the processes of grief

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” (Psalm 34:18)

How can a therapist give me the proper tool to deal with my grief without having the proper training in grief therapy? My girls and I were deeply grieving and dealing with anxiety regarding our future.  I was dealing with depression and suicidal thoughts. We were broken hearted and our spirits were crushed.  We needed someone who was going to be able to deal with every spectrum of our grieving process. In my own research, as I looked for a therapist I noticed many standards that classified grief.  According to Psych Central, there are five stages of grief:

Denial and isolation

Anger

Bargaining

Depression

Acceptance

“People who are grieving do not necessarily go through the stages in the same order or experience all of them.” (Psych Central)

However, I think that I more related to the article from Proactive Change, which stated, This is not a mechanistic model — the stages do not occur the same way for all people; they can last very little time, or a lot of time; and they can be inter-related.” (Proactive Change)  These are the seven stages of grief that they list:

Shock or Disbelief
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Guilt
Depression
Acceptance and Hope

I know that some people do not hit all the stages of grief but I know that I went/going through them all and not in this order.

I will go into my experience with this later but this site gives you the breakdown of each stage if you want to read more.

https://proactivechange.com/stress/grief-stages.htm

new-understanding-the-stages-of-grief-1

https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/grief/understanding-the-stages-of-grief/

My therapist Dr. Jacqueline Pfeiffer has been helping my daughters and myself on all these aspects of this grief journey/process and it has changed my life.

 

My daughters HAD to be comfortable with the therapist as well

It was important for the continuity of our care that my girls saw the same therapist.  She does not discuss our issues with the other, but she use our sessions to help us as a family unit.  That is why I needed for each of them to see the therapist as well and get their input and their thoughts.  God placed an awesome therapist in our lives.  We all liked her and seemed to open up to her easily. It is very important for me to pray for God to send me the right therapist.  If you cannot open up to your therapist about what is going on in your head or be able to tell them your deepest darkest secrets, then you are wasting theirs and your time. Therapy only works if you put your all into the sessions.

My daughters were dealing with their own set of issues and they needed someone other than mom to talk about what they were going through.  I lost my husband but my daughters lost their Daddy.  They will have to deal with the fact that he will not be available for all of their firsts that will continue happened in their lives.  This is something that they could not nor could I navigate on our own.  We needed help and sound advice on how we could take the next steps to the new chapter of our life.

All those stages of grief we experienced and we still experience are the steps we need to take toward our healing process. We took a giant leap of faith in trusting someone, a stranger at first, with the sanity of our minds, and the fragile contents of what was left our hearts.

Once all the key elements were in order and in place, we were able to go forward with our healing and rejuvenation process.

  1 Axelrod, J. (2019). The 5 Stages of Grief & Loss. Psych Central. Retrieved on March 14, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief/
2 2019 Proactive Change and Proactive Coach https://proactivechange.com/stress/grief-stages.htm

Grace not Perfection

May 13, 2019

I am taking a little break from “Purging My Life” series to write about my experience this past Saturday.

I love when my jewelry speaks for me. The bracelet I choose to wear today just set the way I felt when I woke up this morning.  God will speak to you in the most incredible but yet simplest ways.

“I will hold myself to a standard of Grace not perfection”
(1 Corinthians 15:10)

https://www.premierdesigns.com/101/retail-catalog/shop-by-type/bracelets/more-grace#

Human beings seem to strive for this unattainable perfection. It seems to be embedded in all of us to strive for impossible perfection.  Yes, I did say unattainable and impossible, because I believe it is unattainable and impossible for us to reach perfection outside of the presences of God.  I do not think that we should ever strive for perfection, but until I am with the Father in heaven, I will strive for Grace.

img_4602

 

Ephesians 2:8-9: “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God; not by works, so that no one can boast.

Growing up I was always told, “Practice makes perfect.” What does that mean?  I played violin from 2nd grade to 11th grade and we were told this quote repeatedly. I can tell you I practiced all the time and I was good but I was far from perfect.  That was very disappointing to a child to play all those hours and I never reach the perfection that our Orchestra Director told us we should achieve.  However, practice does make better or practice does cause improvement.

So whenever I had to speak in front of a group of people I would get very anxious and nervous, because I was striving for this notion of perfection! I know I will not be perfect and I was always afraid of messing up. I was always told more about what I was doing wrong than what I was doing good or right.  Some believe all this toughness will make you stronger.

It does not make you stronger it rips you apart little by little and you are then afraid to strive for the greatness that God has planned for you. Worst more of this negative talking and thinking will cause depression and then the thoughts of suicide can follow.

On Saturday, My chapter, The Leavenworth Alumnae Chapter of Delta Sigma, Theta Sorority, Inc hosted our 1st Annual Behavioral Health Fair. I was asked to tell about my journey with depression.  I said I would need to pray and think about it but later I reluctantly said yes, because I was immediately convicted and was told that words I speak can inspire others. God reminded me that He had greater things planned for me; I just need to continue to step out on faith. I needed to step out of my comfort zone!

img_8886

I have been asking God to use me so I knew that I could not pass up this moment to tell my story. Therefore, I stood up in front of an audience of my sorority sisters and members of the community and told my testimony of how I live with depression.  Yes, I did say how I live with depression. I am not over anything, but what has happened is that I have learned to live an awesome life despite any depression. I know what my triggers are and I stay on top of it to counteract the negative and minimize the damage. I was very nervous but I needed to tell my story with the hope that others might be able to tell their own story one day.

I want to be a voice for those that cannot or are not able to speak for themselves until they are able to speak up and tell their own stories. You do not need to wait until you achieve what you feel is perfection to have your words heard. If you are scared, do it scared. Just go for it! I started writing while I was a broken mess.  My therapist suggested I start writing, journaling, and starting this blog page.   The more I wrote about my depression, grief, brokenness, and the goodness of God through it all, the more the pieces of my shattered life starting mending.  I was encouraged to write but more God encouraged me to live., and starting this blog page.   The more I wrote about my depression, grief, brokenness, and the goodness of God through it all, the more the pieces of my shattered life starting mending.  I was encouraged to write but more God encouraged me to live.

We have to change the narrative.  It is no longer acceptable to keep berating anyone and pouring words, criticisms, and negativity into people’s lives. Yes, we should be able to accept constructive criticism, but we also have to look past the errors and reinforce each other with some positive God led affirmations.  I would 100% guarantee for every negative we find in someone, we can find a positive.  I believe that there are more positives then there are negatives. We need to build each other up not tear each other down.  We need to strive even more for GRACE, not perfection.

I love you all,

Have a Beautifully Blessed Day

Purging my Life: Part 3

Mentally

Learning How to Breathe Again

Purging the Toxins Out of My Mind & Finding Joy Again

May 10, 2019
Good Afternoon Lovelies!!

Here is part 3 of Purging my Life.  Sorry for the long break, my life got very busy. Between church and my sorority, I did not have time to blog, but I did write and capture thoughts of how I was feeling.  I am continuing in this journey of purging my life to my mental health.  I think this blog comes in handy as May is Mental Health Month, and if you have been reading my blog you know, I am a big huge advocate of therapy and taking care of our mental health.  Remember if you even think you need to talk to a therapist, do it anyway.

I know my last post was super long so I am going to break this one up because it is getting long as I write. 

You have to know that during this time of my Spiritual renewal I was in therapy.  Michael transitioned on October 25, 2016 and I went into therapy in January 2017.  This was not so hard for me.  I have already talked about the need for therapy when you are depressed, near depression, or even thinking about depression. I am and I have always been an advocate for therapy!  I believe that God has people he has gifted in this area in dealing with our minds and how we think and act.

I can only speak for me, but I needed someone to help me sort through all the pain, anger, sadness and grief I was experiencing so I could SEE and KNOW that God was still with me.

The pain I was feeling He was feeling as well.  Yes, prayer changes things and prayer works.  I did pray, however, how could I sincerely pray to God when I was holding Him responsible for not answering my prayer, the prayers of many, and for “taking away” someone I loved?  I could not hear from Him because I was closed off.  I did not want to hear from Him because I was angry and hurt. I went through all the motions but my mind was everywhere but on God.  My prayers were empty prayers that derived from my traditional needs and not from my heart.  It was like a muscle reaction, something I always did.
 String

Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you.  He will not leave you or forsake you. (Deuteronomy 31:6)

What is Grief?

According to Merriam-Webster, “Deep and poignant distress caused by of as if by bereavement; a cause of such suffering; an unfortunate outcome” (3Mar2019)

Greif through the ages:

Latin – gravis-to weight down; gravare- to make heavy

Old French – grever– to burden, afflict, grief – oppress, injustice or misfortune

English – grief – mental suffering & deep sorrow (Loveliveson.com)

For me grief is the painful, emotional, agonizing, loving, heartfelt way to show how much you care for a person that has transitioned out of this life.  If you grieve for a person you truly care of loved that person.

I believe how you grieve depends on the person you are grieving for…

My mother Betty Florence (Shaw) Williams died when I was very young from Cervical Cancer when I was 5.  Sadly, I do not remember much about her, just few memoires here and there.  However, I do remember grieving for her especially in my teen years where every girl wants her mother.  Therefore, that grief was situational.  My grief for my mom depended on the situation.  Some of her Birthdays and many Mothers days were hard and people could be so insensitive.  I have heard everything from “Well you did not know her” to “It has been long enough for you to be over it”

My grief for my Grandfather and Grandmothers, Lister Shaw, Hunter Florence (Heath) Shaw, Mary (Hayes) Williams and my Mother in Law Hattie Law (She passed at 55 in 2002), was deeper because I had a relationship with them, but you always expect them to pass before you do.

I cannot imagine the grief of a parent and I am not going to compare it hers, but I did witness it first hand when my mother passed I experienced the aftermath of my Grandmother’s grief.  She never got over my mother’s death.  She coped with it the best way she could and some ways were not healthy. She would drink her sorrows away, so I lived with a grandmother/caregiver who was an alcoholic.  Of course, this had an adverse effect on my life growing up because I never outlived my mother’s shadow and I had to help my grandmother deal with her grief.  I knew that I needed help because; I was not going to put myself, or my daughters through this nightmare.

The grief of a spouse at a young age is also an unbearable pain. You expect to spend your life together, you have hopes, dreams for a future, and then in an instant, it is gone and you are left with nothing but a heart that was broken into a million pieces and a broken fractured future. I knew I had to pick up the pieces of my life, and try to put it back together again. This is where I needed therapy. I could not pray, drink, or ignore these feelings away although I tried nothing worked. Therefore, I HAD to seek help but I had to find the right therapist.

Be Blessed and
I love you all,
Lolita