Purging my Life: Part 2

Spiritually

Finding My Right Focus & Finding my Voice Again

March 13, 2019

Good Morning Lovelies!!

Here is part 2 of Purging my Life.  As I continue to write about my process, I am gaining more clarification on my purpose, and learning about who I am today.  God is still molding me, making me into what he wants me to become. I am still a work in progress.

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being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 1:6 )

Spiritual Purge is like the detoxification of my soul.  When you go through a traumatic experience, you start to question every aspect of your life.  My connection with the Lord is the most important connection I will ever have, yet I was questioning God’s importance in my life due to what I thought he did not do for my family and me. satan made a home for me and he was working in the darkness of my depression. He was trying to keep me in despair. I had to get rid of him; he needed to be purged from my life!

I tried to look for the positive’s aspects of my life, but I could not find any.  Yes, I did have many positives in my life. However, I was so clouded with grief that I could not see the goodness of God in my life.  I was choosing to focus on the darkness, the negative, my grief, and pain.

Now do not get me wrong I am not saying that we should not experience our grief and pain, but I am saying it is how we choose to go through it.  As long as I was enabling the darkness in my life, it was taking over every aspect of my life.  My lack of joy and happiness was centered on that fact I was allowing the darkness to rule.

I think that in the depth of our darkness is where depression finds its roots.  I was enabling my residence in darkness and despair.  This is also where Satan, the enemy of our soul dwells.  If he could keep me in this darkness where my focus was only on my grief and pain, he had control over my emotion and thoughts.

He was the cause of my suicidal thoughts.
He was the cause of my darkness and despair.
He was the cause of the pain I was feeling.
He was the cause of my negative feelings
But, I gave him access.
But, I gave him power over me.
I allowed him to keep me in the darkness!
I allowed him to push God further and further away.
I allowed his voice to dominate God’s voice.
I chose not to pray!
I chose not to have faith and hope in God!
I chose to focus on my grief and only that!

Things had to change in my spiritual walk, or I was not going to survive!

The not so funny thing about this darkness and depression was that everyone thought I was fine!  I was strong and resilient, but I was screaming and dying on the inside!

I could have been easily one of those scenarios where if I had decided to commit suicide people would have said, “She seemed so together and doing so well” No one knew the real pain and turmoil I was going through!

I have always told my teens that they could get through any adversity no matter how hard it was because God was always with them!  Here I was going through the biggest fight of my life and I could not heed my own words!

I was a hypocrite!

I was a living walking facade!

I was a FAKE!

One night I prayed and cried out to God, “I can’t do this anymore!” I wanted this pain to end, but God grabbed hold of me. You see, he NEVER left me. He was by my side, even in the darkness, in the pain, counteracting the enemy’s voice.

When the enemy was telling me:

I was useless.
I was dumb and I would never finish my degree!
I cannot run this house by myself and do the things that Michael used to do.
My daughters do not respect me the way they respected him.
They would be better off without me!
“You are nothing without him!”
“God does not even want you!”
To say that I was devastated would be an understatement! I was broken!!!
My heart was shattered into a million pieces!!

However, God intervened and told me he still had great things planned for me. My work was not done, and my journey is not complete!  God was there with His hand outstretched for me to take it.  I not only saw my babies; I saw the people who love me, and I knew I had a choice to make!

I HAD to make a choice to trust God and live!

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Set your mind on things that are above and not on things that are on earth.  (Colossians 3:2)

I had to purposely set my mind and focus on the things of God.  Through a lot of crying, deliberation (with God) and myself, praying, and therapy, I was able to put my focus on the Lord, and not on my circumstance.  I was still sad, lonely, broken, and sometimes angry but those are normal feelings when you are going through grief, and I had to go through them, and I am still going through them.  Regardless of the deep hole of despair, I was living in, I chose to focus on the positive things in my life.

I had lost focus of the prize.
I had lost focus of God.
I had lost focus of His love for me.

When my focus changed, (Thank you JESUS) I was able to kick the enemy to the curb and focus my concentration on my healing and moving my life forward to the next chapter.

Where the enemy had me convinced, that God had not just forgotten about me but that He had thrown me away, I chose to step out on all the faith I had!  I had a foundation that was set long before tragedy had struck and turned my life upside down.  I believe that God knew this day was coming and he prepared my family and me!  From the time that Michael was diagnosed, we took a stand of FAITH!

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“And I will bring the third part through the fire, Refine them as silver is refined, And test them as gold is tested They will call on My name, And I will answer them; I will say, They are My people,’ And they will say, ‘The LORD is my God.” Zechariah 13:9

It may not have been the outcome that we wanted, but it was the one that occurred.  I was already equipped with the strength and courage to handle this, but not on my own.  I had to plug into the source of my strength, and courage.  I had to reconnect with the One who created me and knows me like no other!  I had to find my focused again.  I had to reconnect with my Lord!  It was time! Because I had a voice and a story to tell and it was time to use it!

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This picture was taken the day I made a choice to LIVE and Trust GOD!

 

Letting the Word of GOD Work against Our Problems

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January 15, 2019

I had a phenomenal weekend hanging out with my beautiful Sorors of Delta Sigma Theta Sorority, Inc for my 1st Founders Day Celebrations! We celebrated 106 glorious years of our sisterhood! If you know me, then you know this is definitely a dream come true for me.  It was thirty plus years in the making!

This morning I heard such a good word on both of my prayer lines, so I just had to share!

Many of you know I love music and I love to sing.  One of my favorite songs that we sing in church is called, “Trading my Sorrows”

I’m trading my sorrows
And I’m trading my shame
And I’m laying it down
For the joy of the Lord

And I’m trading my sickness
And I’m trading my pain
I’m laying it, laying it, laying it down
For the joy of the Lord

I’m pressed but not crushed
Persecuted, not abandoned
Struck down but not destroyed

And I am blessed beyond the curse
For His PROMISE will endure
That His joy is going to be my strength

Though my sorrows may last for the night,
His joy comes with the morning

The words to this song have taken special meaning to me in the past few years.

I can tell you from my own life experiences, I have has my share of difficulties in these past few years but I can tell you this…

I am never defeated, dejected, hopeless, or destroyed. God plucked my out of the darkness, where I wanted to stay and die, and HE broke through that curse of depression that the enemy tired to place over my life.   I prayed and I read GOD healing words of love, redemption, and his promises to me.

Minister Kai told us to “Stand on the word of GOD and let it bless you.”  He said, “Let the word do what it is going to do.”

“So is my word that goes out from my mouth: it will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.  (Isaiah 55:11)

Meaning, wait on the LORD and let his word accomplish its purposes for our life.

My Sis Aisha Dudley said in our team prayer this morning, we are NOT to focus on our problems for put our energy and our focus towards the PROMISES of GOD.

Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. (Hebrews 10:23)

No matter what the enemy throws at us, no matter what it may looks like, no matter what it may feel like we have to focus on the PROMISES of the LORD and know that HE has already won the victory! Without LORD, we can accomplish nothing.  He has HIS plans for our life already laid out for us we just need to continue to hold on and believe that with God NOTHING is impossible.

I know that my LORD PROMISES:

Peace
Deliverance
Prosperity
Love
Joy
Happiness
And so much more (read HIS Word)

Jesus replied, “What is impossible with man is possible with GOD.  (Luke 18:27)

 I can testify that my sorrows may have lasted for a night but HIS amazing, remarkable, supernatural, joy always come in the morning! I have traded all my sickness, shame, worry doubt, and I have laid it down for the JOY of the LORD

 Have a Blessed Day in the LORD
I love you all!

 

GOD IS A PROMISE KEEPER

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My Brother in Christ that hosts a prayer line that I am a part of, Minister Kai Brown was telling us this morning that is we are waiting on a break through to hold on its coming because GOD is a promise keeper. Now, when I made my prayer request this morning I asked for clarity and direction, I had no idea of the prayer focus. (GOD knew).

When you go through a major tragedy, your life takes on a new life, new goals, and new directions. It seems like to you GOD is placing on a new path. However, if God is the all-knowing GOD that we KNOW HE is… then HE already knows what you are going thorough and what you will go through. Since GOD has all the wisdom and knowledge… HE already has us on the right path!

So, when we have things change in our lives:
We lose a job
We have to relocate due to the military or our job
We get an upsetting report form the doctor
We lose some one we thought we would spend the rest of love with
When we have anything that does not align with what we perceive as our right path

We need to; no, we MUST tap in to the all-knowing infinite wisdom of the LORD. We need to pray and seek HIS wisdom and direction for our life. We do not know exactly what GOD has in store for us, but we do know that GOD is a PROMISE KEEPER and we have to believe that our blessings are on the way. Just has GOD made and fulfilled his promise to Abram/Abraham, trust and believe that HE will do the same for us, because HE loves us with an everlasting love!

I love this song from Sister Act 2, “Joyful Joyful” It reminds of the scripture that says, “Weeping endures for a night, but JOY comes in the morning.” (Psalm 30:5)

“Melt the clouds of sin, sin, and sadness
Drive the dark of doubt away
Drive it away
Giver of immortal gladness
Fill us
Fill us with the light of day
Light of day

If you ask the LORD, he will drive all this sin, sadness, doubt, and roll the dark clouds away and be filled with is marvelous joy, life, and light by the our precious JESUS!

Darkness can and not ever live with the light!

I love you all!
Have a Marvelous, Blessed, and Amazing Day!

 

It’s A New Season

January 4, 2019

There is a song that my teen choir sings called, “It’s A New Season”

“It’s a new season, it’s a new day
A fresh anointing is flowing my way
It’s a season of power and prosperity
It’s a new season coming to me”

When Michael passed, it left a tremendous void in my life. For a while, I did not know what I was going to do or how I was going to survive the next second.  Every aspect of my life totally changed.  Every dream, every goal, my future plans, even my own purpose had to be reconfirmed, redefined, and reevaluated.

When tragedy strikes in your life, we have to take the time to reevaluate our lives.  While I was learning to live through my worst nightmare, I still had to learn who I was without him, and rediscover who I am with GOD.

The year of 2016 was the worst her of my entire life.  We went from diagnoses, treatment, and then death.
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18

The year of 2017 was a year of crying, anger, sadness, depression, love, connection, healing, learning, prayer, and trusting in GOD.
“Weeping may stay for the night,
but rejoicing comes in the morning.” Psalm 30:5

SO, last year, 2018, was a season of rediscovery, redefining who I am, and who GOD is now molding me to become.  The LORD helped me to make some dreams a reality.
“But now, O Lord, You are our Father; we are the clay, and You our potter; and all we are the work of Your hand.” (Isaiah 64:8)

This year, 2019 is a new year and a brand new season.
BUT, let me tell you what is NOT going to happen.
There will be…

No fear
No hesitation
No room for regrets
No negativity
No doubts
No limits
No boundaries
No running
No excuses
No attitudes
No anger
No hate
No darkness
No worries

This Year…
I will let my faith be bigger than my fears.
I will continue to trust in GOD.
I will be stronger
I will be braver
I will love and love hard
I will be happy
I will serve
I will grow
I will live my life with purpose
I will worry less and pray more
I will expect the unexpected
I will be persistent in my dreams and goals
I will NOT GIVE UP!
I will NOT GIVE IN!

I am not sure what you are going through in this phase of your life but know this… GOD is always in control and he is only a prayer away.  Maybe this is your year for rediscovery, growth, or increase.
Is this your year to not only step outside of box but to crush the box?
Only you can look deep into yourself and determine this.

My prayer is, LORD, I know you are always by my side and I know I have a fresh anointing coming!
“Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 1:6)

Lord I am ready to move to the next level.
Lord, I am ready to CRUSH the BOX!


In JESUS NAME… AMEN

I Love you all
Have an Amazing and Blessed Day!

Welcome 2019

2019
Pic Credit Jamaica Observer

 January 1, 2019

We have taken some knocks and obtained some bumps and bruises
along this life’s road, but we still stand strong.

We have walked through the valley of the shadow of death,
but we continue to be victorious because, we know to whom we belong.

We will never give in and never give up on what the Lord has planned.
We have given HIM all things and placed them under his command.

So come on in 2019 we are not afraid of you,
We will wait, watch, fast, and pray to see what the Lord will do.

Family and Friends, all the ones we hold dear
We pray that you have a Very Merry Christmas and a God Blessed New Year!

I love you all!
Have Happy and Blessed 2019

Good Bye 2018: My Year of Discovery

December 31, 2018

As I bid goodbye to 2018, I thank GOD and I look back on lessons learned and the accomplishments I have made.

I have accomplished some lifelong goal in the past two years.  God has blessed my girls and myself with some wonderful people in our lives who have become our “Village” and “Our Tribe.”  In 2018, they have seen us through and prayed with us through some tough times in our life. They have also celebrated, applauded, remembered, and honored along with us. Never any judgment only love.

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We celebrated Michael’s 50th Birthday with a “Thank You Dinner” for our village.

In 2018, I have stepped out on faith and started some new and wonderful journeys. I have discovered my own voice, navigating, and finding my way as the LORD plans the course for the rest of my life. I have said good-bye to more friends and family than I wanted too, but I take joy and I praise GOD knowing they are all in capable hands.

I have also added to my family when my 13 Line Sisters (14 M.I.L.E.S To The Crimson DynaSTy) and I were initiated into the illustrious sisterhood of Delta Sigma Theta Sorority, Inc.

Therefore, it is with bittersweet regrets that I bid adieu to 2018, but I cannot leave without mentioning some of the “Blessings in the Storm” I have navigated in 2018…

In 2018, I have discovered that:

I have chosen to come “Out of the Darkness”and live in and with the LIGHT.

I will “Never Ever, Give Up”, because God is in control and HIS grace and mercy surroundsimg_0898 me.

“There is Good News” I have the joy of the LORD in my heart and I am never alone.

Because the LORD is in my life and my heart, I know that “It Is Well with My Soul”

Life is so short, and tomorrow is not promised to any of us so don’t live in regrets, “Love Hard”

God is amazing and His love is unconditional “He Is a Mighty God”

God has great things planned for me and I am ready, so “Fear is Not in My Vocabulary”

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I am learning to overcome the obstacles of my life and my past because I know that “I Am a Survivor,” and I know that with GOD I can do anything because Christ gives me the strength.

“Dear Future, I am ready” I can, and I have the right to be excited for the next phase in my life.

“God is in Control” of my life and I have no reason to fear it!

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WELCOME 2019

We have taken some knocks and obtained some bumps and bruises along this life’s road, but we still stand strong.                                         

We have walked through the valley of the shadow of death, but we continue to be victorious because, we know to whom we belong.

We will never give in and never give up on what the Lord has planned. We have given HIM all things and placed them under his command.

So come on in 2019 we are not afraid of you,                                                                        We will wait, watch, fast, and pray to see what the Lord will do.                                                          

Family and Friends, all the ones we hold dear,                                                                     We pray that you have a Very Merry Christmas and a God Blessed New Year! (LJL)

 

I love you all

Have a Blessed and Prosperous 2019!

GOD is in Control

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November 13, 2018

I currently have a couple of Blog posts in the works, but after the news that I received last night I felt compelled to make a post.   I can tell you that as usual the prayer line this morning was right on point.  Our mantra that Minister Kai gave us for today is “I am good, because I am covered.”  No matter what it looks like on the outside, from your point of view or anyone else… God is always in control.  This is one lesson that God has taught repeatedly over the last three years.

Diagnosis – God was always in control.  I did not know the outcome but GOD did.  That was all that matters now.  God knew and whether or not I wanted to believe it then HE knew what he was doing.  He prepared our family to deal with things in a different manner than most.  We were to be encouraging even though most people felt we should be on the receiving end.

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Isaiah reminded me, “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” (Isaiah 41:10)

Treatment – Any one that has been through or has watched their family go through cancer treatment knows that it is not a walk in that park.  It can be excruciating, devastating, debilitating, hard, rough… I could go on and on, however as we have always told our daughters it not about the storm or trial you are going through it is about how you go through it.  We had to trust GOD in all things.

 

Deuteronomy states, “Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.” (Deuteronomy 31:6)

 

 

Final Diagnosis – I will never pretend to understand God’s reason for anything, but one thing I do know… I will always trust HIM! He knows what is best for me and he loves me.  I will always remember, “I am good because I am covered”

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Psalm states, “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble” (Psalm 46:1)

Death – I like to call this a transition.  As Christians, we are transitioning from one phase of life to the next.  However, in our human flesh we will always need to deal with death.  For those of us left behind we have a grieving process.  It is a very painful process but it is very necessary to insure our survival. I can only speak for myself, but praying, scripture reading, writing and therapy is getting me through.  I lean on GOD for everything because HE is all I know!  I had to remember that HE is in control and I needed to let HIM take control.  It was always our prayer for GOD’s will to be done in our lives.  So when pivotal moment came… It was not my will but GOD’s will that was done in my life.  This is all a part of turning things over to GOD and allowing him to have complete control.  Our loved ones are in much better place than they could ever be here on this earth.  We have to take comfort in knowing that they are finally home with Jesus!

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2 Corinthians “For we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands.” (2 Corinthians 5:1)

 It may seems like things I spiraling out of control – GOD IS IN CONTROL

You may feel like you can’t go on… Let GO! – GOD IS IN CONTROL

The Bible tells us not to fear in some form or fashion many many times in the Bible.  I think this is reassurance to us that GOD IS IN CONTROL.

Carrie Underwood sings a song that I love called “Jesus, Take the Wheel”

“Jesus, take the wheel
Take it from my hands
‘Cause I can’t do this on my own
I’m letting go
So give me one more chance
And save me from this road I’m on
Jesus, take the wheel”

GOD IS IN CONTROL so let go and allow HIM to take the wheel.

I love you all
Have a Blessed Day in the LORD!

The Ultimate Miracle

Will

October 17, 2018

Yesterday I woke up with such a heavy heart and on the verge of tears for most of the morning.  Yesterday, two years ago, that Michael was admitted to ICU and we were informed of the most devastating news of our life.  My husband of almost 29 years was on life support.  The tumor had quickly grown and covered his bronchial airways and he would never be able to survive without the machines.  We were going to lose the husband, father, son, brother, friend, mentor that we loved so much.

I can tell you sitting in the hospital room as the doctors briefed us on Michael’s prognoses, is a day I will never forget.  I felt like an inflated balloon inflated to its capacity, then someone let go of the bottom, and all of the air quickly deflated.  My heart sunk as I went back into his room and selfishly thought how we were going to survive without him.

We encouraged the doctors to run all the necessary tests and we prayed that we could beat the odds.  Each test came back with the same results.  Michael was in ICU for ten days and with each passing day is vitals became worse and the machines had to work a little more for him every day.  His organs were starting to fail has his body was physically tired and shutting down little by little.  It is a tough to know that just a few days ago, we were having conversations, making plans for the holidays, and his mind was sharp as ever, but now the body was so weak it was failing him.  We prayed, prayed, and kept hope until the moment he was off life support that he would make a miraculous recovery…

You know what; he did make a miraculous recovery!  It was the Ultimate Miracle!

IT was not what we had expected, wanted, or thought would happened, but we had always prayed for God’s will to be done throughout this whole journey, from Michael’s  diagnoses  to his heavenly transition. GOD’s will was done…

He is walking and talking with JESUS and so many other family and friends that have gone on before him.  Michael was healed perfectly that Tuesday afternoon when he walked away from that hospital bed and out of the room into the arms of JESUS!  Jesus said that is time on earth was finished and he was hearing “Well done my good and faithful servant!”  Which is supposed to be the ultimate goal for all Christians.

You see, as Christians we have to accept that GOD’s timing is not our timing, HIS thoughts are not our thoughts, and HIS ways are not our ways! (THANK GOD!)

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.  For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” (Isaiah 55:8-9)

I cannot write this Blog and tell you that this has been a cakewalk and I never shed a tear.  WRONG!
I have cried until my head ached…
I have screamed until my voice was horse (Those poor people at the cemetery)…
I have been angry with GOD, Michael, the doctors, the Military, and myself…
I have been in a dark and desolate place where I did not want to live…
I have tried to drink the pain way…
I have tried to ignore the pain…

However, through GOD I am surviving the unthinkable and unspeakable…
Through GOD, I found comfort and peace…
Through GOD, I am using the pain to help myself and others heal…
Through GOD, I got my joy back…
Through GOD, I wanted to live and love again…
Through GOD, I am happy, healthy, and whole…

Yesterday did get better!  I refused to let the devil have any glory in my day.  God will always place people in your life at the time when you need them the most.  My support system is A+!  My village is amazing! By the end of the day, I was smiling!  I went to with joy and left with conformation of something that I already knew… I have the victory because JESUS has already won the battle for me.  We just need to plug into it to activate it!

I love you all!
Have an Amazing Day!

Telling It How It Could Be

6/20/2018

Don’t tell it like it is, tell it how it could be, how GOD wants it to be.

We were told on this morning’s Prayer Line to speak in faith in our lives means speaking life, power, and positivity into any situation, no matter how dire it might be.

I could have and still could easily and understandably spoke negativity in to my situation. Most people would have understood and expected it.  I had my questions, fears, and doubts, but I never lost my faith.

Michael set this all in to motion when he wrote his first “Ground Truth” He spoke of being upfront, honest, and open about his diagnoses and treatment.  He thought it could help someone in a difficult situation.

I kept the same mindset when the doctors told us there was nothing else they could do for him.  My family and I put our faith, hope, and trust in GOD and let HIM take control.  My prayer was that I would accept whatever GOD had planned.

When my life changed drastically and I felt as if I would never breathe again, think again, function again, but I still had FAITH!  Nothing has changed…

Almost 2 years from the date that Michael transition to be with the Lord I still have faith and I still trust GOD!

 “Abraham trusted that GOD could do what only GOD could do, and he became a father.  When everything was hopeless, he believed GOD anyway.  He decided not to live on the basis of what he saw he saw that he couldn’t do, but on what GOD said he would do!”  (Romans 4:17-18)

I STILL HAVE FAITH
I STILL TRUST GOD!!!
I STILL SPEAK LIFE, POWER, AND POSITIVITY!

We live in a world with so much negativity so we, the children of GOD, are the light in the darkness.  We must be the keepers of FAITH, LOVE, POSITIVITY, and HOPE.  We need to be excited about what GOD is going to do in our lives!  Regardless of the world’s colored glasses…

No matter how hard it seems we must see things in our life the way God sees them, and through FAITH believe that GOD will work all things out!

Stand back and just let GOD work!

I love you all!
Have a Blessed DAY!