October 24, 2019
On Day 9, three years ago, I can vividly remember the early morning watching the sun come up, sitting in ICU at Providence Hospital Room 108, thinking about shattered dreams. Thinking about how many dreams would not be realized, would not happen, would not be experienced, and would not be celebrated.
Dreams are our thoughts, imaginings, ideas, visions, and aspirations. They are also our hopes, ambitions, and desires. Dreams are what YOU WANT of your life or your future. Dreams are good to have.
What happens to a dream deferred?
Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore—
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over—
Like a syrupy sweet?
Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.
Or does it explode?
This is what I was feeling…
Dreams are not always necessarily your reality. At least mine was not.
I felt like my dreams exploded.
My dreams “sagged like a heavy load.”
However, thank GOD, it did not stay that way. I have learned some valuable lessons over these past two years and 364 days.
My dreams were not GOD’s plan.
OUR dreams are not always GOD’s plan.
I had to learn to be at peace with this revelation in my life. As I sat in the room with life holding medical machines beeping, I thought that for me, my life was over.
However, life was beginning for the both of us. This chapter was painfully coming to an end, and for the first time and only time in 29 years, we were headed into different directions.
As much as we were still praying for a miracle, had to take in consideration that Michael could be ending his journey on earth and entering into his eternal life with Jesus. I was getting ready to enter into chapter 2 of my life reluctantly.
That morning as I looked on as a beautiful life was coming to an end, at the moment, I did not know if I would survive. I did not know what to expect, and I was terrified! It would be the first time in 29 years that I would be alone. You don’t know how that feels until you have experienced it for yourself. I pray that you DON’T!
It is the loneliest feeling is to feel alone in a room full of people.
This was my reality.
“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted
and saves the crushed in spirit.” -Psalm 34:18
However, today, I am surviving and thriving, despite every trick, every word of discouragement, every feeling of despair, every suicidal thought, every act of bondage the enemy and his minions tried to throw at my family and me.
He thought he had me! (ha!) THAT FOOL!
I am conquering!
I am winning!
I am victorious!
I am dreaming!
I am because HE is I AM!
I am because HE is I AM!
“I am who I am.”
The enemy did not know that even though I could not fight, and did not know where to begin, the “I AM” in me was bigger than anything he could throw at me. I knew that GOD would not let me be defeated!
I had to do my part. I had to go through some things, pray over and on many things, liberate myself of many stigmas.
I had to surrendered a lot, and allow GOD to intervene in my life.
I now have a sense of renewal and restoration in this season of my life.
New and wonderful journeys are on the horizon, and I can dream once again.
Day 9 permits me to HOPE.