Wednesday, August 28, 2019
Paralyzation is the state of being paralyzed. It derives from the word “paralyze.” There are mixed reviews about whether this is a “real” word or not, but the term was real to me.
Frequently I will have other Christians ask me, “Why are you in therapy.” Can you just pray to God about it? Their questions got me to thinking. Was I a weak Christian because I decided to go the route of therapy and prayer instead of just trusting only in prayer? “Just wait on the Lord.” I really wanted to yell at them, “THAT’S EASY FOR YOU TO SAY! YOUR HUSBAND OR WIFE KISSES YOU GOODNIGHT EVERY NIGHT. I HAVE TO VISIT MINE IN A CEMETERY!” It was not have been very nice, but it would have been what I was actually feeling. But I kept my mouth shut and smiled. I did wonder if my twice a week, and now monthly therapy appointments make me less of a believer and other believers? Does this somehow make my testimony less impressive or less powerful?
The more I have thought about; I have come to realize that I was paralyzed. I was in a state of Paralyzation. Have you seen the show, ‘The Walking Dead”, that perfectly describes this time frame in my life. I was walking around going about the activities of my life, but I was not really there. My body was there, but I was far from it.
I was very good in my paralyzed state. I direct our plays, choirs, ran my different ministries in the church. I participated in community service, and community activities, I worked and interacted with people, and I received my degree, all with a huge fake smile on my face. I WAS IN A STATE OF PARALYZATION! Only by the grace of GOD, I was I able to function. If you paid close attention to my life… you could tell I was falling apart.
Like I have stated in previous blogs, I was pretty good at hiding what was really going on in my head. The reality was the everything in my head was all jumbled up. I prayed, and I know that God heard my prayers. That was not the problem. The real problem was that I could not hear from Him. Our relationship with God is two way. We pray and petition, and make a request, but then we have to listen to His instruction. There lies the problem; I could not hear His instructions. I was having trouble hearing from God. This is where my wonderful therapist comes into my life.
I said earlier that my mind was jumbled, right? It was jumbled with dark, depressing, harmful, and unpleasant thoughts. I did not want to live, I could not breathe, I was barely functioning, and everything led me to tears! I was in my very own state of Paralyzation. This is the reason why I needed to be in therapy. I needed help dissolving the harmful thoughts in my mind. It was as if these thoughts were banging loudly in my head, distracting me from hearing God’s voice. I kept hearing the enemy say that, “I was worthless,” “I was better off dead,” and that, “I was not going to make it!” I felt as if I had lost a big part of my inner self. I felt as if I had failed God, and he left me. This was more than grief I was experiencing. The grief triggered this journey into darkness, but the darkness was starting to consume me.
As I have always said, I was let by God to a Christian, a therapist. When I first met with my therapist, after I had cried my eyes out telling her what was going on in my life she told me, “Lolita, first I want to tell you that God loves you and HE is always with you.” Little by little as we worked through my issues, God was able to make some significant replacements in my life.
My darkness was replaced with HIS light.
My depression was replaced with HIS hope and joy!
My harmful and unpleasant thoughts were replaced with HIS thoughts of peace, love, and happiness!
Praise GOD!!! The paralysis was gone, and I was able to face what was in front of me. The enemy did not get to have his way, because I was able to hear GOD promises again whispering deeply into my spirit and my soul.
I was able to hear that HE still love me.
I was able to hear that I am beautiful.
I was able to hear that I am worthy.
I was able to hear that I will survive this.
I was able to hear that my life was not done.
I was able to hear that HE has big plans for me.
I was able to hear that I need to help others.
I was just finally able to hear from GOD again.
That was truly the sweetest sound I had heard in a long time.
I love you all!
Have a Blessed Evening!