Finding My Right Focus & Finding my Voice Again
March 13, 2019
Good Morning Lovelies!!
Here is part 2 of Purging my Life. As I continue to write about my process, I am gaining more clarification on my purpose, and learning about who I am today. God is still molding me, making me into what he wants me to become. I am still a work in progress.
“being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 1:6 )
Spiritual Purge is like the detoxification of my soul. When you go through a traumatic experience, you start to question every aspect of your life. My connection with the Lord is the most important connection I will ever have, yet I was questioning God’s importance in my life due to what I thought he did not do for my family and me. satan made a home for me and he was working in the darkness of my depression. He was trying to keep me in despair. I had to get rid of him; he needed to be purged from my life!
I tried to look for the positive’s aspects of my life, but I could not find any. Yes, I did have many positives in my life. However, I was so clouded with grief that I could not see the goodness of God in my life. I was choosing to focus on the darkness, the negative, my grief, and pain.
Now do not get me wrong I am not saying that we should not experience our grief and pain, but I am saying it is how we choose to go through it. As long as I was enabling the darkness in my life, it was taking over every aspect of my life. My lack of joy and happiness was centered on that fact I was allowing the darkness to rule.
I think that in the depth of our darkness is where depression finds its roots. I was enabling my residence in darkness and despair. This is also where Satan, the enemy of our soul dwells. If he could keep me in this darkness where my focus was only on my grief and pain, he had control over my emotion and thoughts.
He was the cause of my suicidal thoughts.
He was the cause of my darkness and despair.
He was the cause of the pain I was feeling.
He was the cause of my negative feelings
But, I gave him access.
But, I gave him power over me.
I allowed him to keep me in the darkness!
I allowed him to push God further and further away.
I allowed his voice to dominate God’s voice.
I chose not to pray!
I chose not to have faith and hope in God!
I chose to focus on my grief and only that!
Things had to change in my spiritual walk, or I was not going to survive!
The not so funny thing about this darkness and depression was that everyone thought I was fine! I was strong and resilient, but I was screaming and dying on the inside!
I could have been easily one of those scenarios where if I had decided to commit suicide people would have said, “She seemed so together and doing so well” No one knew the real pain and turmoil I was going through!
I have always told my teens that they could get through any adversity no matter how hard it was because God was always with them! Here I was going through the biggest fight of my life and I could not heed my own words!
I was a hypocrite!
I was a living walking facade!
I was a FAKE!
One night I prayed and cried out to God, “I can’t do this anymore!” I wanted this pain to end, but God grabbed hold of me. You see, he NEVER left me. He was by my side, even in the darkness, in the pain, counteracting the enemy’s voice.
When the enemy was telling me:
I was useless.
I was dumb and I would never finish my degree!
I cannot run this house by myself and do the things that Michael used to do.
My daughters do not respect me the way they respected him.
They would be better off without me!
“You are nothing without him!”
“God does not even want you!”
To say that I was devastated would be an understatement! I was broken!!!
My heart was shattered into a million pieces!!
However, God intervened and told me he still had great things planned for me. My work was not done, and my journey is not complete! God was there with His hand outstretched for me to take it. I not only saw my babies; I saw the people who love me, and I knew I had a choice to make!
I HAD to make a choice to trust God and live!
Set your mind on things that are above and not on things that are on earth. (Colossians 3:2)
I had to purposely set my mind and focus on the things of God. Through a lot of crying, deliberation (with God) and myself, praying, and therapy, I was able to put my focus on the Lord, and not on my circumstance. I was still sad, lonely, broken, and sometimes angry but those are normal feelings when you are going through grief, and I had to go through them, and I am still going through them. Regardless of the deep hole of despair, I was living in, I chose to focus on the positive things in my life.
I had lost focus of the prize.
I had lost focus of God.
I had lost focus of His love for me.
When my focus changed, (Thank you JESUS) I was able to kick the enemy to the curb and focus my concentration on my healing and moving my life forward to the next chapter.
Where the enemy had me convinced, that God had not just forgotten about me but that He had thrown me away, I chose to step out on all the faith I had! I had a foundation that was set long before tragedy had struck and turned my life upside down. I believe that God knew this day was coming and he prepared my family and me! From the time that Michael was diagnosed, we took a stand of FAITH!
“And I will bring the third part through the fire, Refine them as silver is refined, And test them as gold is tested They will call on My name, And I will answer them; I will say, They are My people,’ And they will say, ‘The LORD is my God.” Zechariah 13:9
It may not have been the outcome that we wanted, but it was the one that occurred. I was already equipped with the strength and courage to handle this, but not on my own. I had to plug into the source of my strength, and courage. I had to reconnect with the One who created me and knows me like no other! I had to find my focused again. I had to reconnect with my Lord! It was time! Because I had a voice and a story to tell and it was time to use it!